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Thread: totalled

  1. #1
    Holy Weight
    Join Date
    Dec 1969
    Posts
    504
    Battle Record
    9-0

    totalled

    i am a grain of sand
    falling into the pile.
    dropping from a topless pit
    wiggling my way to the bottom.
    turn me over and vice versa occurs.
    just watch me,
    hourless seconds
    for the second & forth time.
    landing my way into the superbowl
    a salad for lesser champions.
    smile's not so white
    ranch flavored
    honey-mustard stained
    teeth that grind when acquainted.
    tasteless & battered
    tongues lick wounds
    for the taste of blood
    no longer part of the healing process.
    saliva is sticky
    & pointless
    a reminder of time,
    wasted.

    keep one eye straight,
    and the other on your lashes
    what you don't see always hurts
    worse than worse
    until it's horrible.
    money walks away from wallets
    uncle sam is rich
    but grandpa is broke -
    my family tree is wilted
    & a garden has yet to be planted.

    my foundation is built on quicksand
    a beautiful mansion,
    with stairwells -
    no upside.. only basements.
    beaches with plenty of waterworks
    still not salty enough
    to support the sand,
    in which i am..
    not strong enough to stay strong anymore,
    so does that make me weak?
    or human..
    a grain, in life...
    sandman, i am.

  2. #2
     
    Join Date
    Jan 2004
    Posts
    6,689
    Battle Record
    7-0
    Awards Haiku Season Champion PC HOF

    Re: totalled

    links.
    ...

  3. #3
    Get Touched abiona's Avatar
    Join Date
    Sep 2008
    Location
    houston
    Posts
    10,229
    Awards Haiku Season Champion

    Re: totalled

    Really enjoyed the way the first stanza opened the piece. The images flowed from one line to the following, seemingly random images but there was a connecting thread that lead one to the next in a way that made sense. Felt almost like it was spiraling, which was further accentuated by

    a reminder of time,
    wasted.
    with that singular word acting like punctuation to the thought.

    I enjoyed this. There was a theme of thoughts, stability, time, all slipping through the hands. Got a sense of trying to grasp for something to hold onto and coming up short each time. Felt almost hopeless in a way. Melancholy. The rhythm of the piece made it read like a descent as well. Can't quite put my finger on what you did, but it definitely read like falling. If that makes any sense at all.
    ArtificialIntelligence


    TNL
    ps... abi punchlines are played


  4. #4
    Holy Weight
    Join Date
    Dec 1969
    Posts
    504
    Battle Record
    9-0

    Re: totalled

    Thanks Abi. I just kinda started writing randomly and this is what happened. Took all of 5 minutes but I felt much better afterwards.

  5. #5
     
    Join Date
    Jan 2004
    Posts
    6,689
    Battle Record
    7-0
    Awards Haiku Season Champion PC HOF

    Re: totalled

    links by tomorrow
    ...

  6. #6
     
    Join Date
    Jan 2004
    Posts
    6,689
    Battle Record
    7-0
    Awards Haiku Season Champion PC HOF

    Re: totalled

    i hate to close your stuff because i like that you contribute, but rules are rules and it's been a week.
    closing this till i see you've replied to two.
    ...

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