Life is too short (Work In Progress)

[antology]

This is a peice im working on now, still has a long way to go but want feedback ofr this bit to see where i need to work on most. Cheers



This life is too short to be abused and wasted,
Where all unique, where all gods creations,
This life is too short to be abused and wasted,
To disobey the life your givens just haness,

Its true when they say, that life’s too short to waste,
The average lifespan, seems to have passed just today,
From a toddler, to teenage, to elderly, than deceased,
From children, to grandkids, than to double great,
But some just cant wait, and contemplate the blade,
And contemplate the hate, cause death by disgrace,
complete devastation, to the family that loved and raise em,
But once they taste their grave, gave no consideration,
left their heads in cloud, like their into aviation,
the pain conqured salvation, so pictures are erased,
to rewind to the day and age, where you never took place,
that’s why,

This life is too short to be abused and wasted,
Where all unique, where all gods creations,
This life is too short to be abused and wasted,
To disobey the life your givens just haness,

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...88506&posted=1
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...88509&posted=1

[D_D]

maybe you can add this to some of your idea: " life comes once and you crossed death thrice, life has been miserable ain't no satisfaction to your soul, we endure but pain keeps attacking our body, heart and soul. we ain't no God to have control over life, you only got one shot and its all up to you how you will live". got the idea there brother? just wanna share some of my thoughts to your unfinished craft of masterpiece! peace yo!

[Phoenix.]

lol @ that being 1 step up from ghost writing anywaaays..

you had an odd rhymescheme in this piece lol but it wasn't too bad if you added multis then it maay flow better, i'll leave real feed when the full OM is posted...

[Chris Black]

You had a lot of misspelling. "Where" should be "we're." "Than" should be "then." There is a lot of stuff like that. I'm not a big fan of the chorus, but just keep working on it and you'll be good.

[antology]

Thanks everyone for feeback, ill take it into consideration. Keep it comin

[Ink Poyzin]

well, not too bad, but I won't leave any feed right now. I'll wait until the rest is posted, until than, peace..