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Thread: True Love and Happiness Through Sorrow

  1. June 11th, 2006, 03:36 PM #1
    A$tonish
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    True Love and Happiness Through Sorrow

    not really sure if this is an OM or a poetic scripture but this is my first time writing anything like this really so bare with me and plz leave honest feed.
    Here it goes...................



    True Love & Happiness Through The Conquest Of My Sorrow



    When baby moms and me split I felt my world crumbling down around me,
    In tha darkest depths of my soul is where you would have surely found me,
    I thought i had reached the end, only regret and remorse remains,
    Hoping to once again feel that love, that once coarsed throughout my veins,
    I could have swore my heart had dropped to the floor and hit rock bottom,
    Barely kept alive by the love of my kids, but even then, this bitch has got 'em,
    I couldn't even fathom in my wildest nightmare or dream,
    that this bitch would be havin my cousins baby; shit, he's supposed to be on MY team,
    but thats how shit goes i guess when your cousins a fuckin prick,
    He doesn't use his head or heart cus his brains located in his dick,
    but cry for me not people cus this will only make me stronger,
    theres no reason for me to have to hold onto this any longer,
    I know it's sad to think of this potential family gone wrong,
    It would've killed me too, if not for my new angel, Remindin me life goes on,
    Now every morning i wake up seeing her beautiful and stunning features,
    Kissing her softly after a night of passion, the next morning wearing my t-shirt,
    And my kids love her too although others tried to get up on me,
    Now i've found a woman thats not just a step but a step-up mommy,
    My heart skips a beat whenever my angel enters the room,
    And if we see eachother every minute of tha day, i know thas not too soon,
    Cus i would die for this one mayne, i mean give my entire life too,
    I love her with every fiber of my body; Cus thats what she'd like too,
    Now times are getting better, positively, my life is changin,
    I thought my heart was broke forever but it was only rearrangin,
    So when you feel like you hit tha wall of love and shit can't get any better,
    Come back to RB my friend, and you can read and relate ta this letter.



    This is dedicated to my beautiful love Sarah.
    I Love you Baby.
    Peace.
    Last edited by A$tonish; June 13th, 2006 at 12:55 PM Reason: took everyones advice and edited font
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  2. June 11th, 2006, 03:47 PM #2
    A$tonish
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    uppin 4 feed back yo.
    Peace.
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  3. June 11th, 2006, 09:33 PM #3
    A$tonish
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    uppin 4 feed
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  4. June 12th, 2006, 01:58 PM #4
    A$tonish
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    C'mon ppl. Uppin 4 feed here. This is almost as bad as FL
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  5. June 12th, 2006, 02:13 PM #5
    The Warrior
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    Ok this was iight but flow was a lil chppy.Try put a bit more emotion into it and be the slightest bit more creative.It was just a bit bland for my liking and structure was a bit off.I see this id probobly your 1st Om so search around and ask the greats for advice needed iight

    Keep dropping
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  6. June 12th, 2006, 06:33 PM #6
    A$tonish
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    thanx for tha feed mayne. Yeah it is my first om but all that shit in it is True. I was feelin pretty pissed off about tha situation and also thankful for my g/f through it all i just need to work on putting a little more emotion in my shit.
    Thanx again.
    Uppin 4 more feed.
    Peace.
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  7. June 12th, 2006, 06:46 PM #7
    Kalos Graphē
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    hmmm kk this was good 4 ur 1st piece, the 1st thing im gonna comment on is that structure... it probably could have been decent but with the font and font size u chose it fucked it up completely... also in OMs dont double space after every bar... just make it one whole verse, or if ur doing more then double space between verses and such... the rhymes was good, u started off with them very strong and the multis were great but it seemed to die down a bit as it approached the end... try and keep that consistent... the topic was good but i found that you had trouble staying on topic and you brought 2 or 3 topics to our attention in this piece... try and focus yourself more on one idea and go from there... Imagry and vocab was a strong point in your piece, and i caught all the emotions of lonliness, anger, sadness and frustration so it was very emotional... the flow was a little choppy but that comes with practice, the more you write the better you will do in that criteria... all in all good drop and i hope you find a new love in these topicals and continue doing them...

    If you could return the favor and hit the one in my sig that would b appreciated astonish... thanks man, and we may have a text crew battle soon so b ready aight.

    ~1~
    I.J.L Reppin
    Tatt And Blue Perhaps You Knew
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  8. June 12th, 2006, 07:05 PM #8
    niggerican
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    Yeah.. It was a good drop but you really messed it up by making the font so huge. Kinda made it hard for me to read, I actually had to read it twice. Try and not double space too, other than structure, keep practicing, elevate more on vocab.

    Peace
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  9. June 13th, 2006, 04:47 PM #9
    A$tonish
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    uppin 4 sum more feed yo.
    Peace.
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  10. June 13th, 2006, 10:24 PM #10
    Ramokon
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    this piece was good, but the structure kind of messed it up, but i can say it good for a first piece. the flow was str, and this also lacced good imagry, you need to get a bit deeper fams, and the topic didn't really catch me, but what really mattered you stucc to , and also had sum good ryme skeme, fams keep writing...

    peep the sig
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