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Thread: Purged...Osirus is here..

  1. #1
    Osirus
    Guest

    Purged...Osirus is here..

    02:00 Am.....

    Within my brain sulking in the pain of its darkness…
    Where my dexterity is halted by the chains of the margins…
    Of pages, a sultan with a Paganist conscience…
    That has me tamed by a pulsing of the veins in the parchment…
    Maimed by the carnivore that was morphed from a journal…
    To be unscathed before starts of war is an orphan-like virtue…
    With confidence as the child and where hope is the father…
    My pen’s conquest is a laboring mother holding the water…
    But what it begets is something human, idle, except…
    It isn’t exempt from the paper’s crush as a suicidal attempt…
    In futile nights I attempt to gain mass by syllogism…
    But foolish pride had me left to brave laughs of cynicism…
    But this quill’s an ism profiting wisdom…
    Where I’m an infant shifting the building blocks of this system…
    I had to choose to believe that ink was an option veiling,
    the future, obese when thinking in the larger scale…
    & this is NOT a tale of handcuffs that have been broken…
    But rather my art: hands cusped for capturing moments…

    Man i love writing...

    http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...99#post1278599
    http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...05#post1278605


    Peace
    One..

  2. #2
    I'll have the gabagool Fresh's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2004
    Location
    Canada
    Posts
    20,410
    Battle Record
    96-70
    Awards FL Tournament Winner - Award nomination from Spree accepted. 75+ Wins 1-2 Punch HW Champion LLL Champion Cypher Winner OM HOF FL Champion
    Ok drop.. Could work on flow a little bit.. Your vocab was nice.. Some nice imagery and metaphorical use, aling wit your wordplay.. All pretty decent.. Pretty played out toppic though, but I guess its ok since your introducing yaself to RB.. I havent got much else to say then that..

    Just work on evening up the lines a little, and making the flow better...

    Peace.

  3. #3
    Osirus
    Guest
    Thanks man,..

    uppin this...

    this shoudln't get slept on..

    drop links and i'll give your shit some feeback..

    Peace
    100

  4. #4
    Topic
    Join Date
    Aug 2003
    Location
    OH
    Age
    35
    Posts
    1,164
    Battle Record
    3-3
    i thought this peice was dope...nice vocab...flow could have been better. Dope wordplay and nice imaginary. Keep writing. Good rhyme scheme
    In futile nights I attempt to gain mass by syllogism…
    But foolish pride had me left to brave laughs of cynicism…
    But this quill’s an ism profiting wisdom…
    Where I’m an infant shifting the building blocks of this system…
    ^^thought those lines were dope
    godd read
    hit mine up "I dream"
    Scytsophrenia

  5. #5
    ...practice makes poetry
    Join Date
    Sep 2003
    Posts
    2,700
    Battle Record
    4-1
    YO... only one OM every 24 hours... don't break the rulz man....
    Hence Forward

  6. #6
    Osirus
    Guest
    Aight man...my bad..didn't know..

    uppin this...

    peace

  7. #7
    Osirus
    Guest
    upppppppppppppppppppp

  8. #8
    Osirus
    Guest
    up p

  9. #9
    Key Tone
    Guest
    Dope piece, I liked the concept of it. The flow u could work on it and the vocab stood out in this piece nice piece overall.

    check mine

    http://rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=120466

  10. #10
    Osirus
    Guest
    uppp

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