Journey to Self

[Galactus The Devourer]

Sunset as Im sitting crossed, pink sky as the ink drys black,
I think lies act like magnets on a moral compass’s slack,
turning the needle, scratch, an idea of a religious man
I stand, shrug the loose silk, and complete my prestigious plans,
I look over the darkening valley, and know the Temples base,
One lie initiates the plan, One lie to tell to the elders face,

The Hall warm with candle light, reflecting off sturdy pillars.
Soft echos of wordy verses chanted by thirty willers,
I hope to remember the last time I tried to deceive,
Knowingly withheld the truth in hopes others would believe,
It seems it was too long since I committed sin,
Thats probably why I’m crawling out of my skin,

I continue walking towards the massive golden chamber,
where the elders sit, chanting in their oldest behaviors,
I push open the massive wooden doors,
and reveal the elders chanting down on all fours,

Finally a break.. “ I request an Audience with Bodhidharma”

He rises and speaks, I am weak at my knees.. I hope my facial expressions don't raise an alarm god!

“Ah, come! Bring your body where I will place a charm on,
My son your problem is easily seen your in need of some help,
It seems your only problem is you’ve been lying to yourself...”



http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...253/index.html


http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...834/index.html

[Etym]

hmm

slight feeling this is unfinished, but it still works for it's length I guess. Cuz this is effectively a story - complete with dialogue and all - I thought your skip between the first and second verse (and possibly between the 2nd and 3rd) weren't done cohesively enough...too much of a gap in other words. I say this also because the drop is written from the perspective of someone the reader learns v.little about, you might have done this intentionally, but it could prove frustrating to certain people.

On the other hand, you had some intriguing moments revealing aspects of his character;

I think lies act like magnets on a moral compass’s slack,
^ this for example, and;

turning the needle, scratch, an idea of a religious man
I stand, shrug the loose silk, and complete my prestigious plans,
that I found interesting. Also on a descriptive tip;

The Hall warm with candle light, reflecting off sturdy pillars.
Soft echos of wordy verses chanted by thirty willers,
^I liked that.

the part with the Bodhidharma, the two breaks with dialogue and him saying he was weak at the knees -- they felt disruptive, not just visually but I noticed a break in rhythm...another observation I will make is that each of your first three stanzas seem to start off pretty well technically, and then you lose a lick of steam on your last two lines on each with slightly lazier - less impressive - rhymes...read it back you should see what I mean

anyway, goodish overall...It reminded me of someone/something that I can't put my finger on exactly.

this is your feed returned.

[Galactus The Devourer]

jump

[Galactus The Devourer]

wow..

[BrI]

good drop man...different topic...stayed onpoint..nice