Cleaning House

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Thread: Cleaning House

  1. #1
    Topic
    Join Date
    Aug 2003
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    OH
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    32
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    1,177
    Battle Record
    3-3

    Cleaning House

    I put the upholstery on your soul
    Not thinking of the consequences.
    And when you couldn’t breath
    I gradually put a stop to it.
    And as you came to be
    And your lungs filled up with air,
    I hung the wallpaper on your insides
    So that I wasn’t in your hair.

    I painted your gallbladder’s closet
    So that no one could tell,
    But I still needed you to know I care.
    I scrubbed the floor of your muscles.
    They really needed it.
    And I mopped up those muddy prints,
    Others left on your cervix.
    I scrubbed the toilet in your liver,
    Because alcohol has done the same to me.
    And I put new filters in your kidneys,
    But the vents seem like they are fine.
    I washed the windows on your eyes,
    Carefully so I didn’t burn you,
    But the tears were still leaving streaks.
    I took out the trash you had been neglecting
    That was sitting in your stomach,
    And I removed the lime that was building
    Around the shower head of your spine.
    I wish I could help with the mold,
    I don’t have the supplies to handle that.
    But I will make sure to lock the door when I’m done
    So your heart doesn’t get broken into again.

    I did all of that so you know I care;
    Still willing to take care of you.
    I have wishes that bring you back to me.
    Dreaming that you will maintain,
    This level of cleanliness I have given you.
    I hope you accept this apology.


    I will get links after class but just wanted to get this up. Wrote it a while ago and found it today. Leave me links and I will return the favor. Like I said, dont close this as I will get links after class.

    responded to prof. james and sinizter
    Last edited by Topic; February 26th, 2010 at 04:34 PM
    Scytsophrenia

  2. #2

    Re: Cleaning House

    I definitely thought this was tight. You did a great job piecing together the second stanza with the correct organs/body parts that applied best to what you were saying. It was definitely unique for an apology piece, and I always love to read something different.

    I put the upholstery on your soul
    Not thinking of the consequences.
    And when you couldn’t breath
    I gradually put a stop to it.
    And as you came to be
    And your lungs filled up with air,
    I hung the wallpaper on your insides
    So that I wasn’t in your hair.
    I thought that was a pretty good opening. My only critique would be that I think you could have made a couple lines a little smoother, and worded them more efficiently, but only to a minor degree. Enjoyed it, thanks

    check these out
    http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...900/index.html
    http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...567/index.html

  3. #3
    Topic
    Join Date
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    Re: Cleaning House

    I do agree that the flow needs to be worked on. Thanks man ill look at yours here in a second
    Scytsophrenia

  4. #4
    Topic
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    Re: Cleaning House

    feed me seymore
    Scytsophrenia

  5. #5
    Jager-Bomb Chuck Diesel's Avatar
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    Feb 2010
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    4-1

    Re: Cleaning House

    feeling the concept.. it was original.. at least i've never read anything like it.. solid writing though i feel if you spent a little more time efficiently wording each line this could be outstanding. still a great read tho man.. keep this shit up.. look forward to reading more from you

  6. #6
    Topic
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    Re: Cleaning House

    thanks man. I thought it was pretty neat when i was thinking about it so I decided to try it. Some lines really do need some work but thats alright.
    Scytsophrenia

  7. #7
    Jager-Bomb Chuck Diesel's Avatar
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    Re: Cleaning House

    word still a great piece all in all man... if you could rtf on any one of my pieces it'd be greatly appreciated brethren

  8. #8
    I'm here to Destroy YOU! Galactus The Devourer's Avatar
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    Re: Cleaning House

    definetly a new concept to me.. some tweaking seems to be in order for this to really stand out.. nice drop because of originality. pz

  9. #9

    Re: Cleaning House

    Never think much about the consquences and always try to do upholstery or carpet cleaning on your own. If you get results while doing it on your own then i am sure you will save much that you have to spend on hiring cleaning experts.

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