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Thread: The Sky

  1. #1
    Jager-Bomb Chuck Diesel's Avatar
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    4-1

    The Sky

    The sky falls today,
    whimsical clouds now filled with woe.
    The burning cigarette behind pastel blues,
    has been butt out.

    I push forward following
    the sound of tear drops,
    which carry on for miles.
    Not unlike the bloodstained shoes upon my feet.

    Shrapnel embedded in my toes,
    from the self-inflicted shotgun blast
    "Can I continue this journey?"
    A question I often ask myself.

    My gears grind,
    much like that of a clock.
    Though my hands of time,
    are worn to the bone.

    Thoughts running wild,
    like wounded prey, I try to
    count my paces with precision,
    this trek will end soon.

    Laces tangle beneath me.
    a mouth full of dirt and sand.
    Standing erect seems now,
    to be nothing more than a pipedream.

    My sky has fallen,
    carry on or burn out like the rest.


    http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...537/index.html
    http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...567/index.html
    Last edited by Chuck Diesel; February 21st, 2010 at 06:07 PM

  2. #2

    Re: The Sky

    My gears grind,
    much like that of a clock.
    Though my hands of time,
    are worn to the bone
    That was probably my favorite part. I definitely enjoyed the tone you used. Here's my complaint/critique:

    Shrapnel embedded in my toes,
    from the self-inflicted shotgun blast
    "Can I continue this journey?"
    A question I often ask myself.
    The quotation itself just seems out of place in this piece. You don't seem to have issues with wording, so I definitely feel that you could have worded this stanza differently to avoid using the quotation, yet still accomplish what you were trying to say.

    That one small thing aside, I enjoyed it a lot. Good piece.

  3. #3
    Jager-Bomb Chuck Diesel's Avatar
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    Re: The Sky

    upping this beast

  4. #4
    Banned Cinizter's Avatar
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    South Cack-a-lack
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    Re: The Sky

    Shrapnel embedded in my toes,
    from the self-inflicted shotgun blast
    "Can I continue this journey?"
    A question I often ask myself.


    In my opinion these lines were good and I liked how you made it a good internal rhyme by not ending in ask...but ending in "ask myself".

    this was very well-written and doesn't go off topic. I think that the tone of it was a little depressing and it kinda had a "What more can I do?" kind of vibe to it.......I think that detracted from the read in a way.

    peace and keep writing fam.......
    I'm OUT

  5. #5
    Laughing at you Know-It-All's Avatar
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    Re: The Sky

    My gears grind,
    much like that of a clock.
    Though my hands of time,
    are worn to the bone.

    Thoughts running wild,
    like wounded prey, I try to
    count my paces with precision,
    this trek will end soon.

    Laces tangle beneath me.
    a mouth full of dirt and sand.
    Standing erect seems now,
    to be nothing more than a pipedream.

    My sky has fallen,
    carry on or burn out like the rest.
    These last few stanzas are excellent I loved the topic, and tone you brought to this piece. I agree with Prof James above that the quote does seem out of place but somehow to me it works a little but it might be more effective elsewhere. This was a pretty well written piece that I enjoyed.

    can you leave some feed on
    http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...572/index.html
    for me please?

  6. #6
    Jager-Bomb Chuck Diesel's Avatar
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    Re: The Sky

    thanks for the feedage mangs

  7. #7
    You've Earned a Custom Title! Diamondz's Avatar
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    Re: The Sky

    I like it alot keep dropping

  8. #8
    I'm here to Destroy YOU! Galactus The Devourer's Avatar
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    Re: The Sky

    really liked the flip on the dont shot yourself in the foot qoute, and the hands of time flip to the hands to the bone.. very creative.. I liked this very much.. great drop

    rtf plz

    pz

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