The Sky

The sky falls today,
whimsical clouds now filled with woe.
The burning cigarette behind pastel blues,
has been butt out.

I push forward following
the sound of tear drops,
which carry on for miles.
Not unlike the bloodstained shoes upon my feet.

Shrapnel embedded in my toes,
from the self-inflicted shotgun blast
"Can I continue this journey?"
A question I often ask myself.

My gears grind,
much like that of a clock.
Though my hands of time,
are worn to the bone.

Thoughts running wild,
like wounded prey, I try to
count my paces with precision,
this trek will end soon.

Laces tangle beneath me.
a mouth full of dirt and sand.
Standing erect seems now,
to be nothing more than a pipedream.

My sky has fallen,
carry on or burn out like the rest.


http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...537/index.html
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...567/index.html

Quote:

---

My gears grind,
much like that of a clock.
Though my hands of time,
are worn to the bone

---

That was probably my favorite part. I definitely enjoyed the tone you used. Here's my complaint/critique:

Quote:

---

Shrapnel embedded in my toes,
from the self-inflicted shotgun blast
"Can I continue this journey?"
A question I often ask myself.

---

The quotation itself just seems out of place in this piece. You don't seem to have issues with wording, so I definitely feel that you could have worded this stanza differently to avoid using the quotation, yet still accomplish what you were trying to say.

That one small thing aside, I enjoyed it a lot. Good piece.

upping this beast

Shrapnel embedded in my toes,
from the self-inflicted shotgun blast
"Can I continue this journey?"
A question I often ask myself.

In my opinion these lines were good and I liked how you made it a good internal rhyme by not ending in ask...but ending in "ask myself".

this was very well-written and doesn't go off topic. I think that the tone of it was a little depressing and it kinda had a "What more can I do?" kind of vibe to it.......I think that detracted from the read in a way.

peace and keep writing fam.......
I'm OUT

Quote:

---

My gears grind,
much like that of a clock.
Though my hands of time,
are worn to the bone.

Thoughts running wild,
like wounded prey, I try to
count my paces with precision,
this trek will end soon.

Laces tangle beneath me.
a mouth full of dirt and sand.
Standing erect seems now,
to be nothing more than a pipedream.

My sky has fallen,
carry on or burn out like the rest.

---

These last few stanzas are excellent I loved the topic, and tone you brought to this piece. I agree with Prof James above that the quote does seem out of place but somehow to me it works a little but it might be more effective elsewhere. This was a pretty well written piece that I enjoyed.

can you leave some feed on
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...572/index.html
for me please?

thanks for the feedage mangs

I like it alot keep dropping

really liked the flip on the dont shot yourself in the foot qoute, and the hands of time flip to the hands to the bone.. very creative.. I liked this very much.. great drop

rtf plz

pz