What is our Name? (Thirst I)

The night is young
- too young for a murder.
Too young for a scream,
loud enough to wake the dead.
Too young for her to die,
by a creature undeserving of her touch.
The night is young
- too young for a vampire.

We don't call ourselves by such a name,
not anymore anyway.

Goth kids, wearing black clothes,
with black hair, and black make-up.
Chewing on the plastic fangs
they just bought from the store.
They call themselves vampires,
- so let them hold the title.
It's not important to us,
its lost all meaning.

Creatures of the night?
No... not anymore.

The media has robbed us,
taken our appearence and twisted it.
A vampire glitters in the sun,
and feeds on helpless animals.
A vampire has no idea...
not the slightest clue of pride.
Of honor!

You ask me...
what do we call ourselves?

We no longer have a name,
why should we?
It would be worthless to you.
You won't live long enough
to tell anyone you'd seen one.
Your blood would spill,
your life would drain,
before you could pronounce our name(s).

What do we look like?
Well, it's simple really...

Bram Stoker best envisioned our physique.
At least when it comes to our ancestors.
But don't worry, you'll die with your question
answered.
You'll gaze into the eyes, the dark,
horrorfying cornea of Earth's last monster.
And before you can ask my name
- you will be pulled through Hell's gates.
But don't bother asking Satan,
because he fears us too much to speak.

What is our name?
What does it matter?

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...241/index.html
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...766/index.html

bump...

Dos, I know there's two of you mother fuckers in this forum that owe me some fucking feedback. :mad:

I thought the whole piece was solid up to the ending stanza. which i guess was technically the second to last one. I like the point of view you gave the vampire towards the modern world and their place in it. I liked the tone you used throughout. This stanza was pretty cool...

We no longer have a name,
why should we?
It would be worthless to you.
You won't live long enough
to tell anyone you'd seen one.
Your blood would spill,
your life would drain,
before you could pronounce our name(s).

I thought that was a pretty cool concept of how no one would know about a vampires existence because no one would live to tell about seeing one. It seemed like you kind of switched the style up a little at the end and I thought it would have been better had you been consistent right to the end. That aside, real entertaining piece.

I only have minimal time at the moment but I'll come back and edit more in an indepth approach. From reading this at first glance without fully going into it and re-reading it a few times this is a very very deep piece, it opened strongly and set the tone well in the first couple of lines and stayed constant throughout and then the ending closed it out nicely leaving it complete and fresh. Your imagery seemed the strongest bit for me on first glance in my opinion, it seemed loaded with vivid imagery and some solid dialogue whic stuck the piece together nicely. Your emotion was deep as I said at the beginning and you strung it together nicely with some solid words to bring a well read piece. Like I said I'll edit more in tomorrow but stay up, I don't know why this is getting slept on.

-Messiah.

Appreciate it lad.

nice read, first stanza set the mood well, the repetition was a nice touch, only bit i didn't like was how you added a personal touch by speaking of a girl, thought you should've kept it more general. second stanza, reminded me of that Southpark episode, not sure if that's what you were going for, could be with how you led into the pop culture bit in your third stanza. anyways, second stanza was probably my least favorite, didn't seem necessary to me. third stanza, nice idea here, really set the tone of the vampire having no real identity because of the blow up of vampires in entertainment.

the last two stanzas contributed well to the rant feeling of this. third stanza was cool with the image of people who see these vampires don't live to tell about it. 4th stanza was probably my favorite, strong imagery, ended strongly with the thought of satan even being at their whim. overall, good beginning to the collective, set the scene nicely, nothing wow'd me technically speaking, but kept me interested, look forward to reading more.