Hell in Disguise [Dagel and P. Mortuus]

Hell in Disguise
By Dagel and P. Mortuus




My phone rings, and so my bones sing,
through the clothing that is soaking
in coping. She knows me, I'm lonely,
still hoping for her to call, the tear's rolling.
There's nobody to hold me, so I'm falling,
dropping through gravity, but God caught me.
He stopped me, but why? I wanted to die!
Life isn't right for me, so death must be fine,
I cannot realign what's already designed.
So my mind cannot be changed in time.
She begged me to put the pills away,
but what can I say, I'm addicted to pain.
We can pray together, I'll quit someday,
as long as you're there to help me escape.

Pay me a penny for my pills a thought for my ills
Weak willed I killed trust- bust searching for bills
But I can’t cry- my tears drove away under the skyline
Glowing nightlights- my baby left home as I can’t find time
I sold you for a fix- a bitch to the drugs I needed them to live
To see, breathe but you saw me leave- I’d take but not give
These pills helped me to sift reality from fiction-
and the reality was sickening- tensions and friction
so I imagined I was living in a dream- flying away it seemed
you left and I flew upon a sheet of gravel- and beams
shone in my eyes- maybe this was heaven?
Or just hell in disguise.

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...204/index.html
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...945/index.html

Bump...

Gentleman, I think this was a good read. Not the best I've seen from either of you but not bad at all. Bell, your rhyme scheme was ok but the concept was simplistic. Way too shallow. I feel like you could have changed this like Cry said before.
Baron - nice flow, dense and the word play was on point. I like what you did with this. You picked up from were Bell lefts off and as fare as a collab is concerned, your styles came together quite good. Bip ups.

Cry didn't say to change it, he said to finish it. But I was too lazy so I had Baron collaborate with it. Thanks for the feedback though.

first stanza - solid shit. you opened it strongly with some poetic language, that at first i thought was just forced, but i read into it and decided that you executed what you wanted, and did it well. the flow was good in this part, because ofthe double syllale rhymes. however, that semed to fall off as your part progressed. you put ina lot of rhymes consecutively, but they were real simple. realign/design... that whole section was awkward because you had simple rhymes, but they came so fast.. and then i would slow down in the next section.. overall good shit, the openng part was by far the best bit. also, it started with poetic language, but you kind of explained it. this isnt a good or a bad thing, just a preference that if you were to keep going abstractlyand poeticcally it woulda been doperific.

stanza dos - good job as wel. saint opened his piece strong. your best was the closer. it wrapped up the piece nicely, and the gravel imagery was dope. you and saint have similar rhyming styles, i think, in that you dont go multisllablically that much, but you put a lotof rhymes in a row. i think youve been doing it for a lottt longer than dag has, so yours is more polished, but i always feel a bit awkward reading your pieces because with the simple scemes theres inevitably an strangely flowing line..
so I imagined I was living in a dream- flying away it seemed
yeah that was it... maybe the lack of punctuation.... it was that line and the when you rhymed give and live alone near the beginning, just seemed... noobish. idk lol, the rest flowed well. you definitly have a unique style that works for the most part, but the give/live is just kinda.. comeon lol. your shit was consistantly poetic, which i enjoyed. lines .. friction/tnsion line was good, i like the imagery connatotion of the word friction. so word good job. you wrapped up the piece very well.

the piece together, ithnk you two work well togetehr. you guys have similar rhyming styles, that i dont favor over fast flows, like engivale,id say, but there definitely unique and i can appreciate that. concept-wse, not lyin' drug addiction pieces aretnt new at all. like at all. but the hell in disguise line was nice, and wrapped up the piece originally and kept a pretty stale topic fresh. so good job, your shit goes well togetehr

Thanks, Baron and I are twin. ;)

Bump.

ight. I thought the first verse was solid. nothing great, but solid. I liked the flow of it. and the wording. I think it would have been better if it was longer

I enjoyed the second verse more. it flowed straight like the first verse. but, I don't know, just thought it was sharper with the wording. overall I'd give this a 7-8/10

my bad for the double post. my internet bugged out on me

Bump.