Rules can be found in the rules thread...
Due to the late posting of the topic and threads, verses will be due Monday at 11:59 PM P.S.T.
Printable View
Rules can be found in the rules thread...
Due to the late posting of the topic and threads, verses will be due Monday at 11:59 PM P.S.T.
en passant
there's no more fitting way for me to start this honest rhyme
than to take you to a distant land with "Once upon a time..."
a kingdom gone to crime, corruption bordering Nero
when leadership was needed MUCH more than a hero
times were horrible, fearful for great hordes of the people
courted with evil morbidly legal, they were ordered "unequal"
it was a sordid deceit for the downtrodden populace
stripped of their freedom by the hands that promised it
whispered hopes of a monolith fell to noise, confusion
The state of a nation strong but sick—poised for ruin
the royal movement felt tremors, unparalleled since
a boy was cooing, held tender; the young fairytale Prince
born to a King and Queen without a castle or throne
told that anything he dreamed he could gradually own
but that was at home, the world outside was backwardly grown
one day the standard practice would be tragically shown
the Prince was wandering a path on which he traveled alone
he felt a handprint on his back as he was tackled and thrown
pinned to the ground, he panicked as they laughed at his moans
till they attacked and let him have it with a bat to his bones
as if by magic he grappled free and re-tracked his feet home
casualties of shattered teeth taught him not to casually roam
alas it seemed it made the facts of his reality known
fantasies of the catastrophe had him flattened to stone
he imagined his attackers getting back what they sowed
the satisfaction he would have with all their actions atoned
the young Prince was ecstatic, revenge would be soon
but the Queen wouldn't have it, so she tended his wounds
he said he would go back and wear a mask like a hero
she said, "You'll overcome, but I won't have you go near, though.
Only peace," she told the Prince, "can unearth what was sown.
and its cowardly to cover up the worth of your tone."
he couldn't believe it, she must be mad to say that
"See Puddin' the secret's the compassion they lack."
Hate brings hate back, if you remember this one thing
you'll take our place back and forever become King."
With a kiss on the head the Prince was left to sit on his bed
she asked him questions but he just wanted to listen instead
his eyelids ebbed and fluttered but his mind wouldn't still, though
said goodnight he loved her, and rolled inside of his pillow...
...bodies erupt in sound soon as his face is shown
donning a rusted crown he takes his place at the throne
scepter in hand, the people cheer as he's holding it out
he gets to the stand, they disappear as he opens his mouth...
he rose in his house, reciting what he spoke in the scene
he saw a vision of the future and awoke with a dream
down the road it would mean that all his people at last were free
cuz only a dreamer can make reality fantasy
Chance's Hap
on the 37th second...
where, not time, but distance measured...
incremental pleasures built in tandem ventures,
across the feathered chasm's weathered clarity,
and beauty's rarity is trumped under stares of familiarity.
its growing scarcity borns a tragic pull,
in errant throws, his chase takes him further down the rabbit hole...
Where wretched aches splash self embodiment
from a sense of absence suffering brash acknowledgment
and solace spits its proof upon his presence
its here, cuts and bruises pass on the gnarled message
upturned vehicular swan dive,
"Chance, open your eyes, YOU ARE ALIVE!"
on day five, those same eyes reflected nervously
a worried revelry, survival - bested inadvertently
in its mirrored landscape, a painted lie
for this mimic, try as he might, him and I, are not the same guy
a counter-intuitive inordinate truth,
for the sake of seeming sane, he'd live out this awful ruse
Detective Beckett - the disheveled prize kept,
his abductee of sorts, swept away in identity theft
his muddled case load exhaled hopes first breath
accident victim's all impaled by a serial death
in which the first taught a prosper filled lesson
for the photo's caption read, "Chance Haverson, Age 37."
a sudden flash from his memories past,
where jealous friend meets fiance in a feverish clash,
romantically impassioned - scene gleamed in scarlet
and the dying become hijacked via reincarnate
each new life has retraced his primal ether print
doomed to join the last several in a locker of evidence
and here it is, the inevitable moment,
where grips quiver ripples through the gun as he holds it
his nemesis, the stuttering killer opposite he
i guess practice makes perfect, holding his firmly
and echoes clash, both slumped now ready to die
at the sirens cry, side by side, eye to eye...
37 seconds...
Chance gasps precious air, induced by a paramedic
a deadened stare looking back - from Detective Beckett.
Without rhyme nor reason, victim turned incarcerated veteran
Death Row inmate, prisoner in cell block section marked #37
"Irony is a clear consciousness of an eternal agility, of the infinitely abundant chaos."
- Karl Wilhelm Friedrich Schlegel
oatmeal just destroyed those multis....
more thoughtful breakdown tomorrow...
i read each one a few times. now im just gonna go off on a tangent of thought til i feel like stopping.
aight oatmeal... first off, yea composure is right, you did flex some serious multies in this here story.. very rhythmic and orderly - real easy to get into. to me, your formula was as follows - set up - action - aftermath - conclusion - pretty standard.. it was like i said, well organized and orderly. i think we probably have the same kind of OCD about certain things like that.. but anyway. your progression was clear, well worded and real clean. there weren't any lines that necessarily stand out on their own however.. they just sort of lead us where we needed to go, ya know? also, my biggest piece of critique of your drop this week is that the story itself was a bit... idk how to say it... flat. i mean, it doesnt really take us anywhere. i think there was too much attention paid to the set up and background, bombarding us with details, and not enough on creating a story that takes us somewhere. i mean, if you take away all the technicalities, background and rhyme, you're left with a prince who takes a walk, gets beat up, talks to his mom and goes to sleep. then rules happily ever after because he doesnt punish anybody and chooses peace over violence which is "what the kingdom needs". idk. the idea and execution, the message, it was all there. i liked it a lot don't get me wrong .. thought it was a damn good piece of writing. but you chose to write a literal story this week, and the plot (for me) just didnt feel full-bodied enough to coincide with that style of writing.. especially given the length you went.. imo, there are portions that stretch 10 or so lines that you coulda summed up in 4, leaving you more room for flexibility..
soo... yea. great writing, just seemed a bit hollow from where im sitting.
malice.. idk man. i know your style, ive read many verses from you, and im familiar with your language.. but ive read your verse about 5 times thorough as fuck, and i still cant figure out what the fuck is going on. like.. dude is in an accident, then he's alive, then here's a detective who i assume is an alternate personality that chase spawned from some kind of brain damage sustained in the car accident.. then the detective is looking at a photo of chase, then he remembers something about his fiance and jealousy? suddenly, he's got a gun and hes gonna kill himself, but he's also chase, and alive, so why would he be looking at a picture of chase? then since their assumably the same person, when he holds a gun to kill himself(?) it makes sense that chase would be there with him - 2 minds one body. then the gun echoes, implying that he killed himself, but then chase is actually revived by a paramedic and the detective is there?? again?? and then hes in jail??? WTF DUDE
idk honestly ive read a LOT of verses and books, watched a lot of weird complicated movies with twists and split personalities and subtleties. but for the fucking life of me, i cannot connect the dots on this one. was the detective present for when his car crashed, and in his unconscious near-death state his soul like, intertwined with the detectives'? i can only really take stabs in the dark as to what you really meant their relationship to be..
anyway, my confusion did not take away from my enjoyment of the verse. it was well written, and also a stark contrast from oatmeal's style, which was refreshing. you had some really dope individual lines that were truly thought provoking.. and some that also flopped. i honestly wouldnt say this usually but your vocab is kinda overwhelming. its not that i didnt necessarily understand what youre saying, its just that in parts, it didnt really feel poetic.. more like robotic. and that bothered me.
now... for the VOTE.
v/ oatmeal.
yeup.
ooooohhhh...this is quite an interesting battle! VERY well done, fellas!
Oatmeal - This is a very dope piece and verrrrry appropriate for the time(MLK week and all , lol). The story tell's of a "Prince" born of a "King" and a Queen. Beautiful play on words there. As the story progress we see a very nice diaglogue between he and his mother with about virtue over violence, again, giving us some beautiful quips:
^^doooopppeeee!! Though i thought it was pretty clear, lol, but for those who might've missed the subtle clues, the story is really about Martin Luther King. I love the closing segment where, as he was twisting and turning, trying to sleep, a dream of him talking amongst the crowd(foreshadowing events to come, in reality) occurred to end off the verse. Although the story was heartfelt i did feel there were some weaknesses. As others have mentioned, the flow was pretty good but i feel it was very standard and almost "expecting", you know. Its very clean but it wasn't mind blowing in a technical sense. It wasn't enough to match the awesome content of the story. like it was da, da, da, da, dum, dum, dum dum...lol, nah mean? It was actually kind of boring, somehow. But other than that, i really thought the shit is dope, bro. good ish.Quote:
Only peace," she told the Prince, "can unearth what was sown.
and its cowardly to cover up the worth of your tone."
Malice - Man this story was very intricate. I had to read it a couple of time to really get the scope of whats going on. AND I"M GLAD I DID!! I hope everyone give this story more than one reading cause it will definitely pay off. First i want to talk about the technical side of thing. I thought the rhyming and slick wording was crazy. There's a certain rhythmic quality about your verse that just "HITS", lol. I cant explain it but its there if you read it out loud. I don't know how you do that, dude! So the story is actually about a guy who went through an accident but his soul switched with another person, who ended up being the detective that would, ironically hunt himself down lol, which i think was what the quote at the bottom was alluding to.
Quote:
in its mirrored landscape, a painted lie
for this mimic, try as he might, him and I, are not the same guy
At least thats what i thought the plot was, lol. The story could be pretty confusing but it is very very creative, i feel. I don't see too many flaws in this verse aside from, again, the initial clarity but i feel people should read a verse more than once anyways to get the overall effort of the writers. Its only fair to them. There's a sort of fractured feel about the story that, after re-reading felt very appropriate. I dont know if u did it on purpose but it was almost a reflection the mind-frame of the character. And the 37 motif was very effective as 3 and 7 normally represents luck, yet in this case, with ur strong emphasis on irorny, actuall took on a darker connotation. I really dug this story for its somber, Lynch-esque quality and the beautiful examination of "irony"(which is sometimes hard to do). So with that said, I enjoyed the read alot.
Vote - oh man, this is actually the hardest vote i've had to decide on this whole season. As my last week here, i'm glad i had the opportunity to read this because it was a dope matchup. I'm sorry Kuhn, but im gonna have to nominate this for BOTW...hands down, lol. okay, i've delayed the inevitable. I duge these verse to the point i PM'ed the individual writers just to give their deserved props(and moreso in one person's case, lol). Here's a battle of emotion and clarity vs technical wizardry and complexity. Cot damm......sigh! ok. Because i'm a huge fan of intricate stories(love lynch and hitchcock), my vote will go to Malice for a more rewarding re-reading experience. Where as i grasp Oat's verse the very first time, i was actually forced to read Malice's multiple time and(to his luck)found myself liking it more and more. It was an intricate exercise on irony and "chance", lol. HOWEVER...i will be VERY upset if Oat doesn't get AT LEAST a vote! Oats, i'm still in doubt whether my vote was right or not but i have to stand by it. But as a final thought, i thought this was ur best piece thus far. But thing with u is you keep getting better and better! I wouldn't be surprise if you actually end up taking everything in the finals. Good shit my friends. BOTW for sure(again, sorry kuhn, lol)
Vote - Scripted Chaos
Oatmeal - Your verse was skillfully written. Classic in its own rites. There are only a few lines tht I can pluck out after reading it though which means something was missing to effectively portray your story. I know what the story was, but it doesn't feel like it was a new story or an old one told in a fresh way.
Malice - I dug the wording throughout this piece. Painted intricate pictures and had some original lines that stood out to me. I liked the concept here, very difficult to pull off, but I think you did just fine.
Overall Malice's story had me more engaged and waiting to see what was happening next while Oatmeal's was a great piece but just left me wanting more.
Vote = Malice
voted.
oatmeal- good piece man, I have to say you were definitely killing the multis this week. i'm not a big fan of sappy heartfelt pieces though lol, how cold hearted of me? i did like the spin on this.. it wasn't a cliche piece about a prince defending his princess and kingdom. but rather the queen (his mother) telling him not to retaliate on his attackers, and actually, personally this connects to me too too much lol reminds me of a past im not too happy about.. flow was cool, i was feeling some parts more then others when it comes to rhyme scheme.. I can definitely relate to this piece here, in the story it tells and the moral inside.. the 2 bar start at the beginning of the second verse was niceness. second and last verses were the best to me.
malice- your wordchoices... your wordchoices.. are your biggest gift and biggest curse, as I've seen them pull you through, and i've seen them take from you... im very on the fence about how I feel toward your piece. unfortunately, i dont feel like you pulled them off this round, as it felt a bit dry rhythmically and made the story out to be a bit hazy for some readers.. but i do like fragmented stories since i (used to) do them quite often myself.. and I think the execution of "37" was done nicely and tied into the story cleverly.. from what I see, the story wasn't meant to be about the detective but his murderer, his fiancées old(but not forgotten) lover..
both came with entertaining reads for me.. good champ match, but I think oat slightly took it with flow and cohesiveness. still got to give mal his props for his complex approach.
v/oatmeal
Oatmeal... good progression here, I was into it. the story was told in a way that kept me guessing, which.. really kept me interested. multies were good.. my least favorite part of the entire verse was the 3rd stanza where she's talkin' a lot.. It seemed to have a couple hiccups there that threw me off. I didn't like the wording in spots, but very few spots. I hate when people use the words "but" and "though" in the same line or idea.. because both words basically do the same thing as far as words and actions go.
like this "but I won't have you go near, though"
both words in that line symbolize the same idea.. the only reason you added the word "though" was for the sake of flow. It would've been smoother had you just changed the rhyme scheme and ended it like "but I won't have you go near" ...but that's me nitpicking. All in all? I enjoyed how the story was told, it was a great read, you contended well for a championship match.
Malice... the story was okay... hard for me to latch onto I suppose. I think there were bits here and there that could've been executed better. the flow of the drop was good (not as good as your opponents).. your storytelling was better in spots, but the same goes for oatmeals in that aspect. I really just wasn't feeling the direction this took though, it's almost like you were being too creative with your shit.. yes, it's possible. Lol. I mean, I'm a big fan of some DEEP shit.. but this just seemed a bit hectic.
all in all.. for me it was an easier choice than some here.. but I think both pieces were good in their own way. Malice was just the least preferable to me. Neither was bad, I just had to pick out the bad qualities in my eyes and compare them in this breakdown.
vote Oatmeal... smoother writing, better execution.